I thought I'd yell a little.

I know my timing's bad
so I'm forcing up an, an apologetic smile
and just being myself
I've gone and made my own disguise

Tomorrow is the start of the rest of my life.

I just still feel like I'm sleeping. Waiting any minute for a shout from the darkness or maybe even a splash of water to force these eyes to startle and snap open. It's been one of those nights where all the dreams are too real and it takes a moment to realize where reality really is as soon as the sun finally creeps beneath my lids. I guess everything is just still a little hazy. Still feeling dizzy.

On another note, I accomplished nothing at home today. I just had a really directionless feeling all day long that I couldn't shake. I did find out that I'm only few kilos away from my goal weight, which will put me back to the size I was in high school. I'm going to need to reacclimate to a diet that keeps my weight stable pretty soon here. Maybe as long as I'm eating more I'll worry more about nutrition, make the extra food something useful or somesuch.

I need to regain some substance. I talked to Katz yesterday night and she told me about someone she met who is exactly like her. Gave her the feeling of being outside her body. Like being able to view yourself through someone else's eyes. Puts things in perspective. I thought it was pretty interesting but I couldn't quite relate. Made me realize i don't exactly know who i am right now. I think I have an idea. But I seem to get lost amongst the possibilities in life. I'm standing at the edge of everything that's been and everything that could be, feeling trapped in a room with too many doors. Do I take up old hobbies to pass the time? Nights pouring over script or new songs and lyrics with too much heart? Do I search out new hobbies? Take chances and see what sticks? But enough of words, actions speak louder than words. Action now. Observe all.
Makes me worry because I haven't been doing much lately, but I guess I'm just afraid that I'm going to end up spending too much time on something that is only worth the time not spent elsewhere. Like I said I'll have to slow down on social activities

Maybe I'll slow down the social activities a bit and work on something more constructive, like I said before.
Maybe I just need to accept that I can't stay still for long.
and maybe the comfort that one day I'll be able to figure out this fickle heart of mine.

A revolving door of interests and emotions. Keeps it interesting but the soil isn't settled enough to build. or even grow for that matter...

I'm just always back and forth with the blame. Making excuses maybe? I've always been told there is a fine line between excuses and reasons... But it seems to come down to either the subject matter itself or my attention span. Either way I'm coming up a lot shorter than I think I should at this age.

There are just too many thoughts to really figure it all out at once. They sit in piles and stacks, like a messy office filled with files and folders. All this knowledge and experience so far, written out on forms, all the information to make the best decisions. but just enough time to skim through and pick out key words, leaving me to assume my own context and make it up as I go. I just need to breathe and pick something to concentrate on. Even if it's wrong, it's better than the stagnant water I've been wading in for the past few weeks.

Supposed to have drumming practice last night.

I'm going to try and gear up for it. Actually prepare myself. Hit the gym, get the lungs moving. Write a little tonight tomorrow. Have to finish the script by next week. Jump start my brain a bit. I don't know if it's a lack of depression or a lack of consistancy but my writing has been terrible lately. Maybe it's just because I'm not stealing his styling or something. ha. I'm an author with writer's block. I admit. Either way my figurative language has been on the low lately and I need to try and create a little more imagery if I want to get back into the lyrics game.

ok tomorrow.
Do I sit around and read?
Start Writing?
Fill up forms?
Go to a park?
Play guitar?
Take up painting?
Learn a bit more self defence?
Learning how to cook something?
Bleah. Blah blabbity blah.
ha.

welly, welly, well. These are just a fraction of the things I think about everyday. I seriously stress myself out. Something in me needs to click. I'm just going to force action and wait for results. I think it's the best way right now. Being as nice as I can and do the things I can for the people I care about the most. But stray as far away from inaction as I can be.

Winter is pretty much here.
The days are shorter and in comes the fog and rain.
Here to remind us just how cold the nights can be.
It's going to be a good summer.

Time to make things move. This is going to be one to remember....

Also. Listen to "We'll Never Leave Again" by Straylight Run.
And how can I forget "Lazarus" by Porcupine Tree.
It's been my anthem as of late. It's a really wonderful song. It'll make it on the soundtrack, I'm pretty sure.

Stay Tuned.
.