How I would run Rhode Island

It has always been my dream (well, not always, but within the last year and a half) to become absolute ruler of Rhode Island. However it occurred to me that I actually have very little in mind for my inevitable utopian dictatorship, so I decided to jot down my ideas for how I would run a small country.

Education: This comes at the top of my list because I have a distinct lack of knowledge about the history and current events of Rhode Island (or indeed most of the East Coast). In order to maintain the people's respect I need to know about the country I rule. Thus this is why the first thing I'd do upon taking control of the state is to start spreading false information through the media, the schools, and the conspiracy theorists about the "true" history and facts surrounding Rhode Island, slowly taking appart all conventional understanding of the area until we as a nation were on equal footing with regards to our ignorance.

Military: A military is for chumps who'll spend money on anything. All disagreements between nations should be determined by a wrestling match between the embassadors of each country. This would drastically reduce the new nation's required taxes, while simultaneously making us look so weak and stupid that we would rapidly be invaded. And as the invaders marched it I would immediatly fire everyone from their jobs, using all the money we saved from our national defense budget to create a dauntingly bureaucratic welfare state with rules and regulations so complex that no one could keep track of where the money to support the nation was coming from. Once our invaders realized that they just conquered a nation of useless bums I expect a rapid withdrawel.

Health Care: Everyone wants good health care, but very few people can actually pay for it. To deal with this issue I would establish an organization of witchdoctors, publishing amazing results for their abilities to cure minor illnesses and petty aches. These witchdoctors would charge huge fees, but be prohibited from actually using any of the money for their rituals. All of this money would be channeled into serious health concerns in which a patient was in legitimate danger of dieing or suffering debilitating illnesses using medicinal techniques that had results not fabricated by my regime.

Taxes: What taxes? They're called charitable donations. Except they're mandatory. Taxes would be levied based on how much money you spend overseas. The more money you spend on stuff other than keeping my economy going, the more money I'm carving out of your paycheck. Corporations would not be taxed as long as they employed a number of people equal to or more than their profits divided by x (where x is a number determined by someone that knows more about corporate spending than me).

Crime: The death penalty would be on request only (by the criminals). Other than that we would attempt to ship our non-violent, but economically damaging criminals to an enemy country with fake IDs set up by our government.

This is all of course a rough outline, and some bugs would need to be worked out of the system. For instance I've not figured out how I'm going to deal with important social issues like my co-dictators using all of the imperial palace's hot water, or what to do to people who continuously talk during movies at the theatre. This should give me a rough starting point though.