Ugh.

It's been ages I know.

I'm starting to feel claustrophobic, so I have to vent someplace.

I've felt like I've been borderline bi-polar lately. But I can't really tell if it's that or just me completely blocking out everything that is overwhelming at the moment to grip onto these brief waves of happiness.

I need to quit wasting my time. But I’ve already done so much damage that it’s killing me to pay for it all now.

I’m dying here in this place though. Living back at home. I need my space. My freedom. Even sitting in my own living room watching my projection screen (another waste of money i know) bumming around, feels wonderful. Just being in my own space. Makes me feel so good. Just thinking about spending a year trapped in here is tiring.

I’m starting to become more and more self involved by the day I fear. A steady diet of anxiety and self loathing. I know how to dance around and make believe that all is well, I even keep myself surrounded by a steady stream of sub characters and plots to keep myself occupied. To develop my own sense of normalcy even though I can barely feel anything for them anymore. I feel like a turtle trapped in it’s shell. Impenetrable. I say trapped because will isn’t something I possess currently in regards to emotional attachments. I study humans as they are and not as what they can mean. I think I’m just worried that I’m never going to make anything of this simple life, so I can’t be close to anyone unless I think I can keep a promise. I’m not doing to well with age old promises of not wasting away. So far I’ve let myself down more than anyone else. Who would ask a broken person for support?

I am my own false idol. Lack of faith has left me with nothing to believe than my own ideals and hopes. But they are just as confusing and full of contradictions as any of those religious scripts that some base their lives off of.

ugh. Too much time to myself turns me into a crazy person.