I've been trapped in my head lately.

I really don't know what anything is.

I've been trying to figure myself out and I actually thought I was getting closer up until this morning.
Not quite sure what it is, but there seems to be too much stale air here. Everything seems stagnant, dusty.
I've been thinking a lot of self lately.
The hole essence of being.
Who we are.
What makes us. How much of ourselves is choice and what is obligated from experience.

When is it that we become who we are instead of who we used to be?
What happens to that person we used to be? Does she stay in hiding deep inside or is she gone forever? and if she's somewhere still in here, is there anyway to bring her back? or does life keep her afraid to death?

I start thinking back to old days.
It seriously seems like nothing more than a fairy tale now, without the pictures as proof I would question it's very existence.

I was a much different person then. For many reasons. Much less broken at the time, but quicker to fault. I loved with everything, but unfortunately still found too many pieces to give away. Maybe I felt invincible.

It's just unfortunate that life is full of these trade offs. For one loss you only get another. usually of equal importance and disabling in different ways.
I just don't know what to love. I need something.
someone.

I really just want to leave this place. Doesn't seem to be much left here anyways. Just loss.

It's just so hard to function, when all you can think about is everything you once had but can't seem to touch. Even if it would make you happy for the rest of your life, you just can't have it.

Maybe I just live there too much. But I really can't help it anymore.
I miss my friends. All the fun we had and the hope we kept with us. The hope we had in ourselves and each other. same with that one particular boy. He is the biggest fairy tale of all.

Just goes to show you that you'll never know what morning is going to bring. i'm stuck.

you really brought meaning to everything. You opened up something in my brain that I can't seem to turn off and now haunts me like a passing dream.

I still think about you. it really didn't help.
I was too happy for my own good. I need to stop trusting life to take care of me. you find out more and more that it just never works out like that.

truth is. I miss you. and I love you.
But I know I can't have you.

I just need to settle.
all these sentiments need to settle. I need to find my way out of this whirlwind. I'm getting too dizzy to stand and am starting to feel a little sick...