So Lost

Appropriate don't you think? Lost.

The Lost Gurl.

Lost Book.

Lost in my head, lost in thought.

Lost lost lost lost.

AHHH!

I was always a lost child. Never knowing where I belong. I don't get along with anyone like me, I have few good friends who listen to me, understands me... Still i'm lost .It is fact. I sat at the table today and just cried.

I'm lost in this little world, Lost as to what to do as my next step. I am merely as hamster, running in its wheel, Running and running and actually getting no where. Wake up, jog, study, jog, eat, sleep. over and over, my frantic legs carry me. I cannot rest, nor be productive. Sleep brings dreams, dreams I've never had before about anyone. Nothing has brought them upon me like the recent events have. I have two a night, a good and a bad. I wake up in a sweat and realize that I'm alone.

When I am awake I see shadows. They're alive and so real. They started small and now they cloud my vision. Running around me, staring at me. I can no longer sleep in my room. I'm so scared of the dark. Its consuming me now that he is gone. They started when we took a break. I got dizzy at his house and couldn't focus my eyes. And now everything is following me. Inner thoughts takin form? Now that my guardian has left me I don't know what to do. A lost angel in a city of evil. I don't know how to interact with people, my peers just annoy me. I want to be around adults, around mature people. And he told me to grow up? Hasn't he ever noticed I crave adult interaction? That I am quite comfortable around aunts and uncles? Moms and dads. Hasn't he ever realized I loved being around his family. God!!!!! shut the fuck up. he is gone. He left with all his stupid promises.

He held my hand and said "life long commitment." Where is your fucking committment now?

I promise I will change, I promise I will be better. I promise. I promise I'll be there. I promise to support you. I promise I promise I promise. Take your shattered promises and shove them up into someone else's arse.

I know why I'm so attracted to him. I came up with a part yesterday. I cannot manipulate him. Weird reason huh? Well to understand that, you would have to know him and I. Manipulation of the people around us, and getting into someone's behavior, studying them, knowing them, well its part of my life. I crave the power to move people, control them and their choices. Bending and shaping people to do things to benefit me. Yes, I'm self centered, but not towards my he. I don't know, I couldn't be when I was around him. My whole image, my whole being was for him. And he hated it. I don't know, my world just spazzed out when I was near him.